Don't try to pull off Tom Cruise moves unless you're Tom Cruise.

There's a 37-year-old guy named Dustin Ammons in Kyle, Texas.  And on Monday night, he decided to try to rob a Target . . . "Mission: Impossible" style.

He cut a hole in the roof and lowered himself down into the store using a rope, harness, and grappling hook.

Once he got inside though, the burglary became a lot less elegant.  According to the surveillance footage, he just started smashing electronics cases and grabbing stuff.

The cops eventually showed up.  And clearly Dustin didn't have a badass plan for that situation either . . . because they found him trying to hide behind a shoe rack.

He was charged with burglary and felony criminal mischief. 

(ABC 24 - Austin) 

(Here's his mugshot.)

If you want to get out of going to work THIS badly, just call in sick, man.

There's a 32-year-old guy named Brian Anderson from Dundee, Florida.  And on Tuesday morning, he called the cops to report an ARMED ROBBERY.

He said two guys jumped out of a car and stole his money, necklace, and phone at gunpoint . . . and then drove off.

But when the cops investigated, they realized he'd made it all up.  And he admitted the reason was . . . he didn't want to go to his 11:00 A.M. shift at Hardee's.

He was arrested for misuse of 911 and making a false report.

But on the bright side, he went to jail . . . which means he DID get out of work. 

(NBC 8 - Tampa) 

See, this is what happens when your favorite Bryan Adams song is "Cuts Like a Knife".

Back in July, a 34-year-old woman from St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada, and her boyfriend went to a Bryan Adams concert.  And we KNOW that Canadians take Bryan Adams seriously . . . but who knew it was THIS seriously?

While they were at the concert, the woman left her seat to get closer to the stage.  A guy sitting in the front row got into an argument with her, and when he took out his phone to report her, her boyfriend grabbed it and threw it.

Security quickly came in to break it up, and they kicked out the woman and her boyfriend.

Well . . . when they got home, the woman blamed her boyfriend for getting them tossed out with 20 minutes left in the show, and she wound up STABBING HIM in the face.

She was just in court and was convicted of common assault.  She'll get her sentence in May. 

(The Chronicle Herald)

There's something about little league baseball that just constantly brings out the worst in adults.

There's a 52-year-old guy named Michael Walters from Pine Lake Park, New Jersey, and he's the manager of a traveling little league team for kids 10 and under.  (There's no word on whether he has a kid on the team.)

Well . . . last Wednesday, the other coaches figured out he'd STOLEN about $6,500 from the team's fundraisers.  They called the cops, who got in touch with Michael and told him he'd be arrested the next day.

So on Thursday morning, Michael went to a bank . . . and ROBBED IT to get enough money to pay back the team.

Michael deposited it in the team account . . . but the cops quickly connected the dots, and they matched the car from the bank robbery to Michael.

He was arrested for theft for the little league embezzling . . . and robbery for the bank. 

(Asbury Park Press / Facebook) 

(Here's his mugshot.)

In the original "National Lampoon's Vacation", they finally get to Walley World and it's closed.  Which would never happen today, right?  Not so fast . . .

A 19-year-old kid from New York named Jonathan Gualpa stole a taxi on Tuesday morning, and tried to drive it to a Six Flags theme park in New Jersey.

But he didn't realize it was still closed for the winter, and doesn't open until April 6th.

It didn't really matter anyway, because he never made it there.  Cops used a GPS device in the cab to track it down, and caught up with Jonathan in New Jersey.

Turned out he'd barely made it out of Manhattan before he had to pull over and take a nap.  And police found him sleeping in the backseat.

He's facing charges for receiving stolen property. 

(NJ.com)

(Here's his mugshot.)

Well this is one screwed-up family . . .

A 37-year-old guy near Minneapolis who still lives with his parents got kicked out on Monday, because he wouldn't stop drinking.

His mom arranged to have him stay with a friend instead, and wanted to drive him there.  But he wouldn't get in her SUV.  Instead, he laid down in the driveway . . . and dared her to run him over.  And she actually DID it.

Her two-ton Ford Explorer crushed his pelvis, and he ended up needing surgery.  But he's listed in fair condition.

The mom is 58-year-old Cynthia Grund, and she's facing charges for second-degree assault and reckless driving.  And believe it or not, she's NOT the craziest person in her family.  And neither is the son.

It turns out Cynthia is the sister of a woman named Lois Riess, who's currently facing MURDER charges in Florida for killing her husband.  And also for killing some woman who looked like her and stealing her identity. 

(KIMT / Star Tribune)

(Here's her mugshot.)

No matter how bad your boss is, they're not THIS bad, right?

Le'Terria Akins manages an Arby's near West Palm Beach, Florida.  She's only 21.  So apparently she's risen through the ranks fast.

But she probably won't get another promotion anytime soon . . . since she ASSAULTED one of her employees on Saturday.

She asked a 29-year-old employee named Ernst Point Du Jour to stay late, and he refused.  Then they started arguing, and she claims he got up in her face.

So she pulled out some PEPPER SPRAY and sprayed him in the eyes with it . . . then chased him outside with a serrated KITCHEN KNIFE.

She didn't stab him, but she went to town on his car and slashed it up.  She's facing charges for battery, aggravated assault, and criminal mischief. 

(Fox35)

(Here's her mugshot.)

Some guy walked into a gas station in Huntsville, Alabama with KNIFE on Saturday and tried to rob the place.

But the cashier pulled out a MACHETE . . . and pushed a button to auto-lock the front doors.  So they were locked inside together.  And it was ON.

There's security footage of them getting in a knife fight while the cashier called the cops.  But neither of them landed any serious shots.  

The robber was 32-year-old Seth Holcomb.  And he eventually broke down the doors to get out.  But then the cashier chased him outside . . . and started attacking his CAR with the machete.

He broke out at least one of the headlights . . . smashed the windshield . . . and slashed one of the tires.  He also got into it with the guy's girlfriend, who also had a knife.

They eventually drove off, but cops pulled them over nearby.  Both Seth and his girlfriend are facing several charges and could get LIFE in prison. 

(WHNT / AL.com)

(Here are their mugshots.)

Last week was a tough one for criminals with famous names.  And we're not talking about Felicity Huffman.

A guy named CHARLIE BROWN was arrested in Cleveland on Friday during a drug raid.

Police found drugs along with three guns, and also confiscated a four-foot ALLIGATOR he was keeping as a pet.  He's facing drug trafficking charges.

Meanwhile in the U.K., an Irish guy named ELVIS PRESLEY was in court facing assault charges after threatening someone with a knife and punching them back in January.

It's not clear if the Charlie Brown guy's parents were big "Peanuts" fans or not.  But we know the other guy's parents were Elvis fans, because he even has the same middle name.  Elvis Aaron Presley.  He's due back in court in July.

(WKYC / RTE)

We've heard of people driving into lakes and rivers because their GPS told them to.  But this is a new one . . .

A guy in Canada was in the middle of driving from Montreal to Calgary on Wednesday. His name is Constantine Xethalis.  (Pronounced ZETH-uh-liss.)

And one of his passengers was using the GPS on their phone to navigate.  But it sent them way off course, and they ended up at a U.S. border crossing in Michigan.

Which was a problem . . . because they had about 10 pounds of METH in their car.  It was in pill form, not crystal meth.

Constantine claims he didn't know it was drugs.  He says someone told him to transport "something" for them as a way for him to pay off a $2,000 gambling debt.  But he didn't know it was meth.

He was also supposed to pick two people up in Toronto on his way there.  It's not clear if they're in trouble too, but he's facing charges for possession with intent to distribute.

It's actually kind of amazing how far off course they were.  From Toronto, they should have started out going north.  But they went south, and drove the wrong way for about four hours. 

(CTV News)

(Here's a photo of the pills that were confiscated.)

The level of insanity that happens in fast food drive-thrus never ceases to amaze me:  A 22-year-old woman in Omaha got rear-ended in a Taco Bell drive-thru just before 2:00 A.M. on Monday.  Then the guy who hit her denied doing it.

It's not clear if he bumped her to make her order faster, or if it was just an accident.  But she threatened to call the cops.  And that's when he went nuts.

She started filming, so he got out of his car, grabbed the phone from her hand, and threw it in the snow.  Then he got back in his car . . . hit the gas . . . and started PUSHING her SUV through the drive-thru lane.

And that's not even the craziest part.  He got out of his car again . . . jumped into HER car . . . and drove it straight into a LIGHT POLE.

Apparently the guy's girlfriend was also there, and tried to punch the woman as well.  But an employee managed to block the punch and separated them.

The couple was gone by the time police got there.  But the woman did get their license plate number.  Last we heard, cops were still looking for them. 

(Omaha World-Herald)

I guess when you've been caught drunk driving this many times, you start running out of excuses . . .

A 45-year-old guy in Wausau, Wisconsin named Brandon Ingram wrecked his car last Thursday night.

His blood alcohol level was about twice the legal limit, and this is at least the SEVENTH time he's been caught driving drunk.

Anyway, when the cops arrested him, he admitted he was drunk.  But he tried to claim he wasn't the one driving, and said that the real driver was . . .  RYAN REYNOLDS from the "Deadpool" movies.

He's facing a fine of up to $25,000.  And because he's a repeat offender, he's looking at up to 12-and-a-half years in prison. 

(WISN / AJC / WCCA)

(Here's his mugshot.)

This happened BEFORE Daylight Saving Time started, so this woman can't use that as an excuse . . .

47-year-old Lorie Morin of Cocoa, Florida is facing attempted murder charges after she shot her boyfriend last Wednesday for SNORING too loudly.

His name is Brett Allgood, and they just started dating last month.  They'd already been arguing about him snoring after she elbowed him in his sleep the night before. 

So on Wednesday, he showed up to her place with a bottle of rum, flowers, some candy, and a box of Breathe Right snoring strips.  So it sounds like he was trying to be nice.  But once they got into the bottle of rum, things went south again.

He eventually got sick of arguing and said he was leaving.  Then on his way out, he heard a bang . . . passed out . . . and when he came to, he was lying in a pool of blood.

It turned out Lorie shot in him the armpit with a SHOTGUN.  Luckily he survived, and he's in stable condition.

She claims it was an accident, and she didn't mean to pull the trigger. 

(WFTV / Fox35 / Heavy)

(Here's her mugshot and a photo of them together.)

Patience is a virtue that's not nearly as common as it used to be.  And it's not just an issue here.  It's worldwide . . .

A woman in Germany called the cops yesterday and said her husband had been MURDERED.  But when they showed up to the scene, he was fine.

It turned out she just claimed he'd been murdered . . . because she thought they'd show up faster and tow a car that was blocking her driveway.

She was drunk at the time, and tried to get into her car and drive away.  But they stopped her.  (It's not clear if the other car was gone by that point or what.)

She's facing a large fine and possible criminal charges for misusing an emergency number.

(ABC News)

A 27-year-old guy in Orlando had been trying to get his Nissan Altima out of an impound lot for about a month after it got towed.

But when he finally went to get it back on Saturday, the owner of the lot was out grabbing food and had his keys.  So he had to wait a little longer.

But apparently he was fed up by that point.  Because instead of waiting, he started throwing MOLOTOV COCKTAILS at his own car.

He threw at least three of them over a fence, and set the trunk of his car on fire.  And while he was doing it . . . the owner of the lot showed up with his keys.

The lot owner's name is Darnell Adams.  He says he's not sure what the guy was thinking, because he'd already paid almost $300 to get his car out.  So he could have left with his not-burned car if he'd just been a little more patient.

The guy's name is Ayub Abdulrahman.  (Pronounced Ah-yube Ab-dool-rah-MAHN.)  He's facing charges for arson and building a fire bomb. 

(WFTV)

(Here's his mugshot.)

A lot of kids have trouble bonding with their stepparents.  But it usually goes a little better than this . . .

A teenager in eastern Wisconsin is facing charges after he repeatedly spiked his stepfather's energy drinks with COW TRANQUILIZERS.

The kid's name is Tyler Rabenhorst-Malone.  He's either 16 or 17, depending which news source you believe.  And his stepdad is a dairy farmer.  So that's why they had tranquilizers sitting around. 

Early last year, Tyler started squirting the liquid tranquilizer in his stepdad's energy drinks.  The first time he did it, his stepdad started stumbling around, slurring his speech, and had trouble breathing.

It was so scary, he went to the hospital.  But doctors told him it was probably from stress . . . a lack of sleep . . . and from having too many energy drinks.

His symptoms came back a few months later though.  Then he found two used syringes in the corner of a barn, and realized Tyler had been poisoning him.

Tyler says he thought it was "funny," and was never trying to hurt his stepdad.  But he's on the hook for two felonies, and he'll be in court later this month. 

(The Smoking Gun / ABC7)

(Here's his mugshot.)

This story is peak millennial:  An unemployed 30-year-old woman in Maryland who still lives with her parents is facing second-degree assault charges . . . after she threw a phone at her mom's head for refusing to drive her to a yoga class.

Her name is Holly Anne Albert, and it happened a year-and-a-half ago.  But she just got arrested last month.

According to police, Holly flipped out when her mom refused to drive her to yoga . . . started screaming insults at her . . . then picked up a phone and chucked it at the back of her mom's head, which opened up a large gash.

Her mom used the phone to call 911.  And her shirt and hair were covered in blood when police showed up.

Holly fled the scene, and it's not clear why she wasn't arrested until now.  But she's due back in court later this month.

Her parents are hoping they go easy on her.  They wrote the court a letter that said she still lives with them . . . they don't fear for their safety . . . and she hasn't had any outbursts since. 

(WJLA)

(Here's her mugshot.)

The first day of spring is three weeks out.  So this might be the last one of these stories we see for a while . . .

A 28-year-old guy named Matthew McClure broke into someone's garage in Erie, Pennsylvania on Monday, and stole a bunch of stuff.

He got his hands on some hunting gear, tools, and other various items.  But all that stuff was pretty heavy, and he didn't want to make multiple trips.

So he also stole a SLED from the garage to transport the stuff . . . and the tracks he left in the snow led cops straight to his house, less than two blocks away.

He's facing multiple felonies for burglary, criminal trespass, theft, and receiving stolen property.

Turns out he was also arrested back in October for two other thefts in the same neighborhood.  So he's facing a parole violation as well.

(GoErie.com)