One day, Monopoly is going to be BANNED because it's just too dangerous for our society.

A family in Kansas City, Kansas was playing Monopoly on Friday and they wound up getting in a fight . . . hey, just like your family does when YOU play Monopoly.

But this one escalated . . . and as a guy argued with his cousin, his cousin's girlfriend HIT him and shoved him into a mirror.

Then . . . she took off running.

The guy needed to go to the hospital to get stitches . . . and they're still trying to track down his cousin's girlfriend on aggravated battery charges.  When they catch her, she'll go . . . ahem . . . directly to jail. 

(Kansas City Star)

When you prioritize fast food over your wife, bad stuff happens.

A 49-year-old guy named Victor Fosser from Parrish, Florida was with his wife on Sunday, and she was upset over something that happened between her and a family member.

She wanted Victor to comfort her, but he went to Taco Bell and got some lunch instead.

When he got back, he tried to give his wife a burrito . . . but he held it in front of her and made fun of her for being upset.  So she grabbed it and threw it on the floor.

Then Victor picked up the burrito . . . and shoved it in her face.  According to the police report, he, quote, "caused some to go up into her nose."

He was arrested for misdemeanor battery. 

(The Smoking Gun) 

(Here's his mugshot.)

I can only imagine what it was like the moment when this thief figured out his big, big mistake.

There's a 56-year-old guy named Peter Hans in Pinellas Park, Florida.  And on Thursday morning, he stole some pills out of his roommate's lockbox.

Peter THOUGHT they were painkillers, since they were in a prescription bottle with a label that said "Hydrocodone-Acetaminophen."

But it turns out they WEREN'T opioids . . . they were LAXATIVES.

And yes, Peter found that out the nasty way.  Because when his roommate called the cops about the theft, Peter admitted to the cops he TOOK the pills.  And he says he threw the rest away when he realized they were something else.

He's been charged with theft. 

(The Smoking Gun) 

(Here's his mugshot . . . the mugshot of a man thinking, "I'm not going to ever live this down, am I?")

Here's a good way to make an expensive speeding ticket even MORE expensive.

A driver was pulled over in Manitoba, Canada on Tuesday and got a speeding ticket.

And apparently they were really unhappy about it, because they immediately threw it out the window.

But the cop was still RIGHT THERE . . . so the person was hit was a LITTERING ticket for roughly $130. 

(Global News)

(Here's a short Twitter video.  Yes, the person's car is THAT filthy.)

Action figure collecting is a big deal.  Oh, not for kids . . . they just like playing with 'em.  For ADULTS.  Adults don't mess around with their action figure collections.

There's a 34-year-old guy in Madison, Wisconsin who just became the poster boy for that obsession.

On Sunday night, he'd been drinking and he was pretty sure his 46-year-old wife had DAMAGED some of his action figures.

So he responded by grabbing an AX and using it to destroy the family's TV, TV stand, laptop . . . and car.  He chopped off both of the side mirrors and eventually got the ax STUCK in the windshield . . . that's where the cops found it when they showed up.

He was arrested for disorderly conduct and property damage.

Sadly, we don't know what kind of action figures he collects, so feel free to speculate.  Cough "Star Wars"cough.  (His name and mugshot were not released.)

(Wisconsin State Journal) 

There was a lunar eclipse on Sunday night and this might be the worst thing that happened during it.

A cop in West Palm Beach, Florida was driving through a park at 11:30 P.M. on Sunday, right at the height of the eclipse, when he hit a BUMP.

And it turned out to be . . . a 24-year-old man and 24-year-old woman who were lying in the road watching the eclipse.  Oops.

Fortunately, the cop was only going about five miles-per-hour, so both the man and woman are going to survive . . . they were taken to the hospital with, quote, "non-life-threatening injuries."

And the cop was put on administrative leave while the department investigates. 

(Palm Beach Post)

 A 29-year-old guy named Dominic Maultsby was pulled over in DeLand, Florida last week for having a light out on his car.  But he was on probation and had a suspended license, so he decided to make a run for it.

He ditched his car and tried to hide from the cops under a tree in a field.

And it might've worked . . . if it weren't for some crime fighting HORSES.

That's right.  There were three horses in the field, and they apparently didn't like Dominic invading their space . . . so they started CHASING him.

He wound up running across the field . . . and he was arrested when he jumped a fence to get away from the horses.

He's facing several charges, including resisting arrest, fleeing and eluding, driving with a suspended license, and a probation violation. 

(CBS 6 - Orlando)

(Here's his mugshot.)

 If it turns out beer is the miracle cure we've all been looking for, then doctor's visits are going to be WAY more entertaining.

There's a 48-year-old guy named Nguyen (pronounced Hwinn) Van Nhat in Quang Tri, Vietnam.  And doctors saved his life on Christmas . . . by pumping him full of beer.

Here's what happened.  Apparently, Nguyen had been drinking alcohol . . . but not the kind we all normally drink.  He was drinking methanol, which is the kind that's used to make things like formaldehyde, antifreeze, paint thinner, and gasoline.

Beer is a different type of alcohol . . . it's ethanol.  And the doctors knew that if they fed this guy beer, it would keep his liver busy enough processing the ethanol to keep it from fully processing the methanol . . . which would kill the guy.

So they wound up pumping him full of 15 cans of beer, which gave them enough time to get the methanol out of his system and save his life. 

(Newsweek)

Man, this pervert picked the WRONG HOUSE to mess with.

A 48-year-old guy named Geoffrey Cassidy was hiding in the bushes outside of a house in Wellington, Florida on Monday, watching a teenage girl in her room.  He had his hand in his pants, but luckily the girl's father was heading out for work and spotted him.

Geoffrey took off running.

But here's what he didn't realize:  That girl's dad is a former NFL player named Tony Beckham, who played from 2002 through 2007.

And Tony was a cornerback . . . which means it was literally his job to chase people who were running away from him.  People a hell of a lot faster than a 48-year-old peeping Tom.

So Tony easily caught him and held him until the cops got there.  Oh, and somehow Geoffrey wound up with a black eye and a busted lip in the process.

He's been charged with lewd and lascivious behavior. 

(NBC 8 - Tampa) 

(Here's his mugshot, and a picture of Tony from his playing days.)

Man, this pervert picked the WRONG HOUSE to mess with.

A 48-year-old guy named Geoffrey Cassidy was hiding in the bushes outside of a house in Wellington, Florida on Monday, watching a teenage girl in her room.  He had his hand in his pants, but luckily the girl's father was heading out for work and spotted him.

Geoffrey took off running.

But here's what he didn't realize:  That girl's dad is a former NFL player named Tony Beckham, who played from 2002 through 2007.

And Tony was a cornerback . . . which means it was literally his job to chase people who were running away from him.  People a hell of a lot faster than a 48-year-old peeping Tom.

So Tony easily caught him and held him until the cops got there.  Oh, and somehow Geoffrey wound up with a black eye and a busted lip in the process.

He's been charged with lewd and lascivious behavior. 

(NBC 8 - Tampa) 

(Here's his mugshot, and a picture of Tony from his playing days.)

 How did this brilliant plan not work?  I'm shocked.

There's a 40-year-old guy named Jesse Pack from Bunnell, Florida, and he had a warrant out for kidnapping and assault charges.

Well . . . when the cops went to his house on Sunday, the woman there said Jesse was gone, and he'd left them a message.

Jesse had written on a MATTRESS in orange magic marker, quote, "I know my warrant is active.  I'm not here, I am finishing a job and turning myself in."

For some reason, the cops weren't totally convinced . . . maybe Jesse should've had the mattress notarized?  So they asked the woman if they could search the house and she said yes.

And . . . the cops found Jesse curled up in the fetal position inside a dresser. 

(ABC 9 - Orlando) 

(Here's the mattress, the dresser, and his mugshot.)

 I'm not sure about this guy's future, but he could make one hell of a Quentin Tarantino character one day . . . because he's got his "deadly pun" skills locked down.

There's a 30-year-old guy named Bryan Stewart from Milton, Florida.  And he got into a serious fight with his neighbor last week.

He threatened to, quote, "kill 'em with kindness" . . . you know, like the saying goes.

That's when another neighbor intervened, and Bryan STABBED him with a knife.  And Bryan almost made good on his threat, because the knife had the word "KINDNESS" written on it.

Fortunately, the neighbor is going to be okay.  And Bryan was arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and aggravated battery. 

(Pensacola News Journal) 

(Here's his mugshot.)

 This classy, sexy lady may not be welcome at Walmart anymore, but she's certainly welcome in MY life.

The cops in Wichita Falls, Texas got a call on Friday morning from a Walmart about something, um, unique happening in their parking lot.

The employees said there was a woman who'd been driving one of their motorized shopping carts around the parking lot for at least two-and-a-half hours . . . and she was drinking WINE out of a PRINGLES CAN.

By the time the cops got there, the woman was gone . . . but they found her at a restaurant nearby.

She wasn't arrested, but they did tell her the store was officially BANNING her. 

(Wichita Falls Times Record News)

 I'm not sure catching a poacher ever gets easier than THIS.

There's a 24-year-old guy named Cannon Harrison who's a game warden in McIntosh County, Oklahoma.  And in December, he matched with a woman on the dating app Bumble.

And when he asked her how she was doing, she said she was happy because she'd just shot a, quote, "bigo buck."  He asked a few questions, and it turned out she really HAD illegally shot a deer out of season . . . and she even sent him a picture of it.

And that was good news for Cannon, since his investigations into poachers usually take months . . . but this one was just served up right to him.

He used the woman's picture and first name to figure out her identity on social media, and the next morning, game wardens showed up at her house and arrested her.  And she wound up getting hit with a $2,400 fine.

As far as we know, they DIDN'T wind up going on a date. 

(Tulsa World / Washington Post / CBS 6 - Tulsa) 

(Here's the pic she sent with the deer.)

I wish EVERY attempted kidnapping could turn out like this.

On Thursday night, a 46-year-old guy named August Williams tried to kidnap a woman at a strip mall in Charlotte, North Carolina.  He tried to force her into his car, but she ran away, and he followed her.

And the woman ran . . . right into a karate studio.

The studio's head instructor is a guy named Randall Ephraim, and he was cleaning up inside when the woman ran in and told him a guy was trying to kidnap her.

So when August came inside, Randall told him to leave . . . but August started SWINGING at him.

And you can probably imagine what happened next:  Randall DESTROYED him, and August had to be taken out on a stretcher.

He's facing multiple charges for kidnapping, assault, and more. 

(ABC 9 - Charlotte / Charlotte Observer) 

(Here's his mugshot.)

 Here's the problem with giving your kid a "fun" name.  As soon as they do anything remotely dumb, they make national news . . .

A 21-year-old guy in Johnson City, Tennessee was arrested last Thursday for violating his probation.  (Johnson City is in the northeast corner of the state, about 100 miles northeast of Knoxville.)

His name is Luke Walker.  And his parents must be EPIC-level nerds, because his middle name is "Sky" . . . so his full name is Luke Sky Walker.

It's not clear what he did to violate his probation.  But he originally got arrested last year after he and his friends were caught stealing road signs.

When cops searched their car, they found 46 different signs they'd stolen.  But he didn't make the news back then, because they didn't release his middle name.

Last we heard, he was being held without bond and was still in jail.  (WJHL)

What makes this even better is Mark Hamill heard about it and Tweeted a response.  

He wrote, "The real crime here is Mr. & Mrs. Walker saddling this poor guy with that name in the first place."  He also included the hashtag #AlsoTooShortForAStormtrooper, since Tennessee Luke only measures up to be 5'6" in his mugshot.