Well this is just about the WORST way to celebrate the end of Shark Week.

Two men and a woman went to the San Antonio Aquarium in Texas on Saturday afternoon . . . and they grabbed a three-foot horn shark out of its tank.

Then they swaddled it in a blanket like a baby . . . put it in a STROLLER . . . and walked right out with it.

And it was a damn good heist, because the staff at the aquarium didn't realize the shark was missing for 45 minutes.

The cops have surveillance footage of the thieves and they're trying to track them down . . . but everyone's worried about the shark's chances of surviving.

Horn sharks can only survive out of water for maybe an hour or two, and they need to be in warm saltwater . . . so if the thieves didn't have a tank ready for it nearby, it could be in serious danger. 

(Deadspin) 

(Here's a surveillance shot of the thieves.)

This MIGHT just be the dumbest identity theft case we've heard.

There's a 51-year-old guy named Kevin Cayton from Arlington Heights, Illinois.  And last December, he was taking a trip to Lake Delton, Wisconsin.

Well . . . Kevin is a big fan of the University of Arizona Wildcats basketball team.  And he wanted to make sure he could watch one of their games while he was on his trip.

So he researched a restaurant called Buffalo Phil's in Lake Delton . . . figured out Charter Spectrum was their cable company . . . and called Charter 11 times, pretending to be an employee, to upgrade their cable package to add the PAC-12 Network.

But he never bothered to call Charter back to cancel the PAC-12 Network . . . so in February, the owner of Buffalo Phil's noticed the cable bill was really high and started looking into it.

The cops got involved, and after an investigation they figured out what happened.  And they just arrested Kevin last month for felony identity theft.  He's looking at up to 12 YEARS in prison.  Over one college basketball game. 

(Based on the dates, it appears the game he watched was Arizona versus Arizona State on December 30th.  Bright side:  Arizona won, 84-78.)

It almost seems like this guy cooked up his plan a while ago.  Like he had it in his back pocket just IN CASE he ever got arrested . . .

Police in Frederick, Maryland spotted two guys walking around last Thursday, peering through the windows of parked cars looking for stuff to steal.  So they stopped them, then one of them tried to take off.

The guy was a 25-year-old named Matt Rosenberg, and he ended up getting into a physical altercation with one of the cops.  Then they found a small bag of pot and an air pistol when they arrested him.

So at that point, he decided to go all in . . . and tried to BRIBE the cops by offering them free DONUTS.

He told them he worked at Krispy Kreme, and that he'd give them donuts if they let him go.  And he made the offer to multiple cops during the arrest.

He's facing charges for resisting arrest and attempting to bribe a public official.  But he probably could have avoided the whole thing if he just hadn't panicked.

He and his buddy hadn't actually broken into any cars yet.  So his friend WASN'T arrested, and the cops let him go. 

(Frederick News-Post)

(Here's Matt's mugshot.)

This guy shouldn't HAVE to change his name.  But at this point, he must be thinking about it . . .

A 34-year-old father of two named Jimmie Williams lives in Victorville, California.  (About 80 miles northeast of L.A.)  And he happens to share the same name as another Jimmie Williams in the area who can't stop breaking the law.

The GOOD Jimmie has been arrested or detained at least FOUR times in the last 12 years, always for stuff the BAD Jimmie did.  Once in 2006 . . . again in 2009 . . . a third time last month . . . and a fourth time this past Friday on a felony warrant.

The cops keep making the same mistake because both Jimmies spell their name the same way . . . J-I-M-M-I-E . . . and also have the exact same BIRTHDAY.

Last Friday was different though.  Because a cop showed up at his door . . . wouldn't listen when he tried to explain . . . and Jimmie RESISTED when they tried to cuff him.

He's never been arrested for something HE did before.  But now he's facing his own felony charge for obstruction.  And he had to post $2,500 just to get out of jail.

The whole thing was caught on his doorbell camera, and the cops are working with him to clear things up.  But if the charges stick, he'll have a felony on his record, and could lose his job. 

 I can definitely see how having your life ruined by a SARCASTIC EMOJI would make someone way angrier than having it ruined, you know, the normal way.

A person who lives at an apartment notice in Memphis, Tennessee got an eviction notice last week.

And it was taped to their door on a bright piece of orange paper that said, quote, "Guess who's moving?  YOU!!!" along with big picture of a smiling emoji.

And even though the person hadn't been paying their rent, other people in the apartment complex think the emoji on the eviction notice was too over-the-top.

One of their neighbors said, quote, "It's antagonizing and kind of embarrassing." 

(CBS 8 - Knoxville) 

(Here's a picture of the notice.)

This isn't exactly a GOOD excuse for speeding, but . . . um . . . at least it's a topical one?

A guy got pulled over on a highway in Oakland, California last week for going 99 miles-an-hour in a 65.

And he told the cop he KNEW he wasn't going that fast . . . so maybe the cop was actually looking at the TEMPERATURE, not the radar speed.

The cop says that led to a, quote, "awkward silence" . . . and eventually the guy gave up and signed his citation.

And for what it's worth, the radar gun DID show the temperature on the screen along with the speed . . . but it was only 80.2 degrees, not 99. 

(UPI) 

(Here's a picture of the radar gun.)

 A 53-year-old guy named David Jo Devoss broke into a Dollar General store in the middle of the night last Tuesday in Eustis, Florida.  (About 30 miles northwest of Orlando.)

And he stole two four-packs of beer . . . while wearing a t-shirt that said, "This Guy Needs a Beer."

He could have picked any type of beer, but went with Natural Ice . . . because you know you're classy when you're wearing a "This Guy Needs a Beer" shirt.

Anyway, he got away before the cops got there.  But he strolled back in DRUNK two days later, and tried to steal some smoked sausages.

The manager recognized him from the security tape . . . because he was still wearing the SAME t-shirt.  (Maybe his "This Guy Needs Some Smoked Sausages" shirt was in the wash?)

The cops showed up to arrest him, and he admitted to stealing the beer two nights earlier.  He's facing charges for theft, burglary, and criminal mischief. 

(WTFFlorida.com)

(Here's his mugshot and a photo of the shirt he was wearing.)

 I'm not sure if there's a better example of "adding insult to injury" than THIS.

There's a woman in Memphis named Faith Pugh.  And on Saturday night, she went out with a 21-year-old guy named Kelton Griffin who she knew from back in high school.  He'd texted her out of the blue, asked her out, and she said yes.

But he showed up without a car, so she had to drive them in her Volvo.  And when she stopped for gas, he asked if she'd run inside to get him a cigar.  She did . . . but while she was inside the store, he STOLE her car.

That would already make this a hall-of-fame level terrible date.  But it gets even worse.  Because Kelton drove her car . . . to go on a date with ANOTHER GIRL.  And it turns out she's Faith's godsister.

Anyway, Faith and the cops were able to use GPS to track the car to a drive-in movie theater, where they arrested Kelton for theft of property.

And as a kicker . . . apparently he'd made Faith's godsister pay for their tickets to the drive-in.  

(CBS 3 - Memphis) 

(Here's his mugshot.)

How messed up do you have to be to see a bunch of firefighters working to put out a fire and think . . . "You know what would be awesome?  If I stole their truck."

Some firefighters were putting out a brush fire in Rio Linda, California on Saturday afternoon when a 29-year-old guy named David Carcalete ran up and STOLE their truck.  (Rio Linda is just outside of Sacramento.)

Then he drove it over to pick up his girlfriend, a 35-year-old woman named Candice Scollard, about a mile away.

And after that, they had a nice romantic drive through California in the truck.  And by that I mean . . . they got into a TWO-HOUR, 100-mile police chase.

The cops wound up putting down spike strips, which popped one of the tires . . . but David and Candice kept going without the tire for another half hour until they finally crashed in a ditch.

They're both facing several charges, including vehicle theft, evading, and possession of stolen property.  And the cops are pretty sure they were both high at the time. 

(NBC 3 - Sacramento) 

(Here are some pictures from the scene.)

A guy named James Aubin was arrested for robbing a bank in Dover, New Hampshire last Thursday.  But the REAL story is a 30-year-old named Eric Lombari, who saw the cops and assumed they were after HIM.

He was out on bail because of a previous drug arrest.  And when he saw police start pouring into the parking lot, he assumed they were there looking for him.

It's not clear if he'd even done anything wrong.  But he decided to hide in a nearby grocery store.  Which was unlucky, because the cops ALSO went in to see if the store's security cameras got the bank robber on video.

So at that point, Eric got into a back room, and decided to climb up into the CEILING to hide.  Then he fell THROUGH the ceiling, and was dangling from it right above the deli.

The cops could see his legs hanging out but couldn't get to him.  So he kept crawling around until the same thing happened again above the refrigerated meats section.

They eventually had to get up into the ceiling and talk him down.  He's facing charges for criminal mischief, trespassing, and resisting arrest. 

Is family more important than money?  Stop laughing.  Why are you laughing?

There's a woman named Barb Reddick who lives in Margaree Forks, Nova Scotia, Canada, and her town runs a local lottery that works like a raffle with a huge prize and then a bunch of smaller prizes.

Well . . . on Wednesday, she won the jackpot with her nephew, Tyrone MacInnis.  Both of their names were on the ticket, so they split the prize of $930,000.

They each got checks for half, they took smiling pictures, and that should've been their happy family moment.  BUT . . . yesterday, Barb made a hell of a left turn.

She said she told her nephew they could split the consolation prizes from the lottery . . . but not the grand prize.  So she's going to SUE HIM to get his half of the money.

She says she doesn't think he deserves the money, and she only put his name on the ticket, quote, "For good luck.  Because he's like a son to me . . . he was." 

(CTV) 

(Here's a picture of them holding the check.  It's Canadian dollars, which is why it says $1.2 million, not $930,000.)

 If THIS guy can get away from a crime scene, then anyone can.

A guy with a prosthetic left leg broke into the leasing office at an apartment complex in Del City, Oklahoma earlier this week.

It's not clear if he stole anything, but the building manager caught him in the office . . . so he ran off.  Well, it was more like a skipping motion from the security footage, because, again, the missing leg.

And he got into a Toyota 4 Runner with three regular tires and one spare tire and drove away.

Yes, the guy who was missing a leg escaped in his car that was missing a tire.  AND IT ALL WORKED.

The cops are trying to track him down but right now they're . . . pun not intended . . . stumped.

Oh man, this guy is NEVER going to live this down.

A 40-year-old guy named Rye Wardlaw in Vancouver, Washington broke into a business in a strip mall late on Saturday night.

That business happened to be the Northwest Escape Experience, which is one of those ESCAPE ROOMS that are everywhere now.

And this is a hell of an endorsement for the business . . . because once he was in, he couldn't figure out HOW to get out of the escape room.

So he wound up calling 911 for help.

The cops came and arrested him for second-degree burglary. 

A 25-year-old idiot named Robert Quigley was driving drunk near Sacramento, California on Sunday when he rear-ended an SUV, and his car caught fire.

He was going about 80 miles an hour when he ran into a traffic jam, and couldn't stop in time.  Luckily no one was seriously injured.

Anyway, a cop stopped to help, and saw Robert switching seats with his passenger to avoid a DUI.  Yes, the car was already on FIRE at this point.  So . . . great priorities.

Then after they were both out, Robert ran BACK to his burning car . . . so he could use the flames to light a cigarette.

He burned part of his eyebrows off in the process, but told cops he's not afraid of fire, because he, quote, "deals with this kind of stuff all the time."  (???)

It's not clear what he meant by that.  But it turned out it was his second DUI in less than a week. 

I guess this guy's victims are all lucky they didn't have to find a way to get hollandaise sauce off their cars.

The police in Bismarck, North Dakota just caught a guy who egged more than 20 cars and a school last month.  And the name of the guy behind the eggings was . . . Benedict. 

Man, if he didn't hear "Eggs Benedict" jokes growing up, he just sealed that nickname for the rest of his life.

The cops arrested 19-year-old "Eggs" Benedict Ponzer last week for felony criminal mischief, after they got his license plate from a surveillance video.  It's a felony because he did more than $3,200 worth of damage to the cars.

Here's a good example of how too much alcohol can make you WAY more confident than you should be . . .

Last month, police in Vero Beach, Florida pulled a guy over for blasting his music at 2:45 in the morning while driving through a residential neighborhood.

The driver was 32-year-old Tremaine McGriff, and he was obviously drunk.  He couldn't stand without holding onto a fence, and was slurring his words.

But apparently he still tried to claim he was fine to drive, and DEMANDED the cops search his car for alcohol.  So they did . . . and immediately found a Big Gulp cup full of booze and ice.  No mixer.  Just ice and alcohol.

He was slurring so badly, they couldn't understand his name, and asked him to WRITE it down.  And instead of Tremaine, he wrote "TreMARIO."  (It's almost like he wanted to use a fake name, but was already halfway in.)

They gave him a breathalyzer, and he was four times the legal limit.  He's now facing DUI charges. 

(TC Palm)

(Here's his mugshot.)

You know the old scam where a "Nigerian prince" gets in touch and says he's desperately in need of a short-term loan?  Somehow, this might be even dumber . . .

 It's a fine line between a pillow fight and a crime.

There's a 38-year-old woman in Niceville, Florida who got into an argument with her boyfriend last week after she threw their cat onto his lap.

And during their argument, she grabbed a pillow and started hitting him with it.  Then she grabbed a couch cushion and started hitting him with that.

And when he tried to stop her by grabbing the pillows, she pushed him back onto the couch.  Those are some seriously aggressive pillow fighting tactics.

Anyway, the cops got involved and she was arrested for domestic violence battery. 

(Northwest Florida Daily News)